I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
