Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
