Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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