I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
