It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
