My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
