dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
