yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude i'm inner monologue high
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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