dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
