dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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