remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
