Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
