I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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