I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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