Your dad touched me again.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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