At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
