oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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