I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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