My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
