Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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