im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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