If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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