I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
