i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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