i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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