don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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