Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
