Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
