So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
