If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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