I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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