the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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