I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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