How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
