you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
