and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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