Umm I'm too high to move.
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
