So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
