Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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