I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
