So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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