Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
this is an emotional support booty call
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
