My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
