Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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