My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
