The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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