She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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