your parents love me but you hate me
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
