i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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