I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Your cock deserves a montage
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
