Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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