I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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